Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Megan Fox starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an PlayStation3. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your Wife squarely on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws*.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Only In Texas

Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Thursday, July 29, 2010

3 Reality Shows That Should Be Combined

It seems in today's society reality TV seems to be the craze. There is everything from dating-based competition, job search, sports, self-improvement/makeover, renovation, social experiment, talk shows (GO TOSH.O), hidden camera, hoaxes, supernatural, etc. That's just to name a few. There's probably a little debate on when reality TV hit it big. Some say it was with cops in 1989, or with Americas Funniest Home Videos in the same year. It could also be the 1st Real World which aired in in 1992. Reality TV however can be traced back to1948 with Allen Funt's Candid Camera followed by the classic game shows of the 60's and 70's .But I think we all can agree that there is at least one reality show out there that is your guilty pleasure. So I wanted to share my thoughts on 3 Reality Shows that should be combined to make the ultimate programming experience.

1. Celebrity Apprentice meets Big Brother
- We'll start off with a PG one and work our way up to the juicy stuff. As Americans we've always had an infatuation with celebrities and the gossip and drama that follow them. I never really got the big idea, they are just people like you an me. But I guess some peoples lives are that dull, boring, and worthless where they have to keep up with their favorite celebs. Here's the premise of the show. Lock all the celebs down in a house being filmed 24/7 and watch what happens. Celebs have some pretty big egos and we all know what happens when giant egos collide, drama and chaos prevail. I can see it now, non stop arguments about who is the bigger celebrity, who makes the most money, and who had sex with who. Being filmed 24/7 will be able to show you how your favorite celebs really are, people and douche bags just like us. This is actually something that could possibly be a show in the future, but my next 2 are a little bit more TV MA..

2. Celebrity Rehab meets Survivor
- How Awesome would this be! Have a bunch of drug addicted celebs on a deserted island fighting for immunity to be the last one sober. This would actually be beneficial for them. What better way to get off drugs than on a tropical island with blazing heat and no drugs within 100's of miles. No cell phones, computers, agents, managers, of anyone who waited on them hand and foot. The families will just setup them up to be kidnapped and taken to the island so the don't have time to prepare and they'll have no clue what is going on. Once on the island Jeff Probst will jump out of the bushes to bear the news of what is going on. I can see it now, 12 celebs quitting cold turkey thrown into a situation they had no idea was coming. I'd imagine there would be a lot of people going at each others throats and comments like "you know who I am". When 1 of them wins a challenge they do not only get immunity but will also get a small portion of the drug of their choice. Granted this beats the purpose of sobering up, but I'm looking for something hilarious and not something that's a tear jerker.

3. Top Shot meets any VH1 dating show
- Dating shows are by far the worst reality TV and VH1 took it to the next level of horrible programming. These shows search for the nastiest, skanky dumb women they can find to compete for the heart of a "Fake" celebrity. The big networks at least add in some women with a brain and a little, I mean a little class. The plot of this show is plain and simple. The top shot competitors just pick off all the contestants 1 by 1 while running around in an enclosed area. The last one standing wins their life. No need to make it an entire season, just one 2 hour special for your viewing pleasure. Watch your favorite dirty girls of all time be eliminated 1 by 1! This would also be a HUGE favor to America, getting rid of these filthy pieces of trash with the IQ of a rock. They make me ashamed to call myself an American. Granted we have a lot of self freedoms, but being a flashy whore should be outlawed and be enforced with the death penalty. Or they could just join these shows joint venture.

Jersey Shore Season 2 Premiere tonight @ 10:00PM (My guilty pleasure thanks to a gentleman named Dave U.)

See ya tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Story of the Bastard Bee

So if this is going to work I REALLY have to set it up right. But to be honest, most might not find it that funny cause it's one of those you had to be there things. But for the peeps involved, this is probably one of the most memorable and funny moments of all time. Here's the back-story. Ever since I was young I have been deathly terrified of bees, actually anything that flies and can sting you (bees, wasp, hornets, etc). I found this out when I was about 7 years old and got stung by a honey bee on the knee and it swelled up to the size of a melon. So now every time I see a bee I run away like a woman. So here is how the story goes!!!

It was another day just like any other on a mild but crisp spring afternoon. I was going about my normal work day when I was contacted by a fellow co-worker with plans to have an extravagant lunch at the classy, but fair priced Houlihans. After contemplating my options of what and where to eat I decided to embark on this magical journey and make every effort to make this the best lunch ever. So it was around 11:15 when myself, and my friends Bennett (Rockstar) and Kathryn (we miss you) decided to head on out to eat. The lunch was oh so delightful but I honestly can't remember anything we had to eat, cause that's not the point of this story. We finished our lunch and headed out to the car to go back to work. If you know the UCF area, it's a cluster F*** of dumb college students who pop their collars and have man crushes of Ryan Secrest. There is also a median running down the middle of the road the entire length of University Blvd so you have to go out of your way and attempt death defying u-turns. As we pull out of the parking lot and head south towards Alafaya Blvd we begin to roll down the windows oh so slightly in order to keep the A/C in, but open enough to ash our cigarettes (I'm actually trying to quit now and Bennett the Rockstar gave me one today, thanks bud). Now keep in mind the windows are literally only open about 1 inch. This is where the story takes the turn.

We are at the stop light getting ready to make our U-turn, I'm jamming out to country music just to piss off Kathryn and Bennett, just being my normal self. As I begin to ash my cigarette the light turns green and it's go time. Right as I'm about to bust a u-turn this Bastard of a Bee hunts me down in my car, being directed towards me by the scent of my deathly fear of him. I lock my eyes on him and focus 100% of my attention on this beastly creature. And as sure as Adam Lambert is gay, this bastard of a bee fly's directly into the 1inch crack in the window in order to inflict pain and terror upon me. But I'm better and smarter than him. While I'm driving a moving car and in a u-turn motion I scream like a little girl and within 1 second, I'm out of my seat belt and diving into Rockstar Bennett's lap who is sitting in the passenger seat. When I say I jumped in his lap it is no joke, I literally had 80% of my awesomeness all over him. While this is all happening I hear what seems to be a pack of hyena's, but it turned out to be Kathryn dying laughing in the back seat and turning so red she easily could of spontaneously combusted. Unfortunately, this Bastard Bee was killed in the process but he left us with something that will last forever...AN AWESOME STORY THAT WE'LL ONLY EVER UNDERSTAND!!

Keep on Rocking Bennett
We miss ya Kathy (I mean Kathryn)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

First Blog Post

So en light of the the 21st century I have finally decided to break down and create a blog about my thoughts on life, culture, and to make fun of dumb people. I guess I'll start out about telling you all a little about myself so you can get idea where I'm coming from . 1st and foremost I have an awesome family who I would do anything and everything for. I grew up in STL and moving away from the placenta of the US was the best thing I ever did. Granted I miss the Cardinals and Imo's pizza but the place sucks away your dignity and soul and puts your balls in a grinder. I spent some time in good ole Dirty Jersey which was pretty sweet but the northeast is for rich folk and Guido's. (Jersey Shore season 2 on Thursday 7/29) yes that was a plug. I went to school for recording and business and spent about 3 years working in hip hop which was definitely a 24/7 hustle. I did little bit of everything from A&R, contract negotiations, and eventually took the head engineer position at Phat Buddha Productions. Unfortunately, music is a grimy and dirty industry where the only way to make it is to suck ass, and I told myself long ago never to go ass to mouth....NEVER. So that brings us to the present. I'm not going to mention what I do or where I work cause that adds to the mystery of the legendary "Cheeks Ba Deeks" (thanks Jodi P), plus there's nothing really to exciting about my work besides my uber hip cubicle neighbor. So that's it for my first ever blog post, and there will be many more funny and exciting ones to come. But I'll leave you with a thought of the day...nevermind...I forgot what I was going to say.